Did I ask you to care?
But then again, if you don't care, why bother leaving a review?
Well, I hate to break it to you, being a woman with that attitude, you've no chance in finding a mate.
Actually, yes you did ask me to care. By posting the story on the website, you were asking for us to review it for you, were you not? I mean, that *is* the point of YWS... or did someone not explain that to you? Or perhaps someone did but you were to dense to understand. Better yet, perhaps your insanely large ego informed you that your writing was so amazing that you would only get praise from other users? Is that what happened kiddo? Why did I feel the need to post? I was afraid that your ego was going to take over the world, so I felt the urge to burst it a little. You're an arrogant little prat, and you don't have the talent to back it up.
Also, how on earth did my love life come into this? Just curious, couldn't insult me in any other way?
*pat's you on the head*
Learn how to take constructive criticism, or you will make it no where in this lifetime. Blink was nice, others won't be.
Um...nope, go read it again, never did I ask you to care. But then maybe you took an implication that I wanted you to care, but you were wrong.
Haha, well my insanely large ego also tells me that the person I'm message at this moment is perhaps the most disabled person I've come to meet.
Funny, you're calling me a kid, you're two years older than me.
Quote:
I was afraid that your ego was going to take over the world, so I felt the urge to burst it a little. You're an arrogant little prat, and you don't have the talent to back it up.
Sorry to hear that you're so insecure about your own ego that you need to bash on mine.
Oh and I'm sure you have the talent to back it up. Cmon woman, this is the fucking internet.
How do you know I didn't steal that writing from someone else? How do you know that I'm who I say I am?
Your "talent" on the internet doesn't mean shit.
Quote:
Also, how on earth did my love life come into this? Just curious, couldn't insult me in any other way?
Quite obvious to any male of normal intelligence that they would not want to approach you with that attitude.
Quote:
Learn how to take constructive criticism, or you will make it no where in this lifetime. Blink was nice, others won't be.
Oh no, I can't survive in this life time because I trolled you for a review. =(
Don't cry woman.
I call you kid because you attitude is childlike, I wouldn't care if you were 20 years older than me, you behave like a child, therefore you are one. As for my attitude? What attitude? The one that allows me to tell you the truth, even if you didn't want to hear it? Awww poor honey. My boyfriend is enough of a man to be able to handle my honesty, perhaps when you are a man, you'll be able to take it too.
As for my ego, clearly it's fine. I can take cristicism and either follow advice or not depending on how I see fit.
And for the very last time, of course you were asking people to care, that's why you posted. It's also why you were so offended with people didn't bow down to your "talent" and instead told you how they really felt. Why else would you post on YWS if you didn't want others to read and review your work? Unless of course, once again, your ego told you that you were so talented there was no way anyone could not like your work... Which is what appears to be happening.
And just curious, are you saying that you stole that work? Just because it's the internet doesn't mean you get to take anything that doesn't belong to you. That's called plagiarism and A) it's illegal, B) It'll get you banned, and C) it's down right stupid.
You're only argument here is that you didn't ask me to care, which clearly you did ask me to care when you posted your work on the site. And that I won't be able to find a mate? Which is both irrelevant, and untrue.
I understand that taking criticism is hard, but there is no reason to be pathetic about it. It's time to put on your big boy pants, hon.
I really feel bad for your boyfriend, if you really had one.
Your ego is obviously pretty high as well, since you're talking to me, as already stated by yourself, I have a massive ego.
Seriously? I post whatever I want, it's the internet. No one owns it. I post something because I can. I didn't ask for anyone's opinion, you reviewed it out of free will.
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Who knows? It's the internet.
Again, please state the exact comment asking you to review or care about my writing.
You not being able to find a mate is not an argument, it's a fact.
And you're trolling me out of free will too.
Well, it's time to get a better attitude woman. I understand that not being able to mate is a hard thing to accept, but eventually you'll get used to it.
Plagiarism is illegal, and because of your last comments, I am going to talk to a few people and all of your works posted on the site will be investigated. If any of them have been taken from someone else (which, they will be able to tell) you'll be banned from the site! Won't that be fun?
Of course I have a boyfriend, why would I have to make that up? I even have a picture of us on my main page, not to mention... he's a member of the site?
If you'd like to talk to him and let him know how sorry you feel for him, feel free, his name is Buscador!
I am sure he would be overjoyed to get a message from you, as I have told him all about the conversations we've been having. (yes, honey, we're laughing *at* you not *with* you)
You didn't have to ask for reviews, by posting on here, you were asking for reviews. As that is what the site is for... or did you fail to understand that? That is what the site is FOR. You post, we review with our honest opinions and suggestions for improvement. That's how it works. If you can't handle people not worshiping you for your lack of talent, don't post, you won't get ego rubs here. You'll get brutal honesty.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Submission (rated R)
For the past few years I have been on a slow path to discovering something’s about myself. A) I am naturally submissive sexually. And B) I am a masochist.
I have been trying to discover exactly what that means for me and for my lovers (past and current).
It has taken me a long time to be comfortable even saying it allowed. I am terrified of being judged on this, as I am not a bad person. Nor am I a pervert, I am just… sexual.
I cannot explain the thrill that goes through my when my lover commands that I pleasure him. The order, the tone of voice, the knowledge that if I disobey I will be punished severely… it all adds up and takes control of me, but more than that, it excites me. Oh god does it excite my.
"Get on your knees and suck me."
"Bend over."
“I am going to make you cum, and you are not going to stop me.”
So demanding and angry and powerful. And when he orders, I cannot help but to obey, whatever the task may be.
In the past, though, I was unable to be comfortable with my masochistic tendencies. I tried and failed to allow the men in my life the kind of trust it takes to willingly accept pain from your lover. They were bitter and cruel, and had I allowed them the trust, I believed they would have abused it and made it dirty. Now… I have met someone that I can bestow this trust upon. I wish to get down on my knees and thank him for all of the sexual possibilities he has opened to me. He tests my boundaries, and I have found that they are far more extensive than I had originally known. It's exciting, discovering these things about myself. Pushing myself further and further into this world of promiscuity until I can no longer question what it pleasure and what is pain. And it owns me, I have fallen into this world and I do not wish to get out.
When he ties my wrists behind my back and smacks me until it stings… tells me how naughty I am. I am such a dirty girl. My punishment is my own fault. The thoughts devour me, I find myself wrapped in the fantasy far more often than one ought to be. I cannot help it. He has taken me to a whole new level of experience, owning me and treating me to the greatest kind of surrender I have ever known.
When his finger wrap ‘round my throat, I can feel his power, but more, I can feel his love. It burns through his eyes as he stares down at me, he knows in that moment I an entirely his, and could never give this kind of faith to another. I am his. He is mine.
Perhaps I am a pervert for it… I suppose I own that title proudly. Nothing this freeing could be awful.
I have been trying to discover exactly what that means for me and for my lovers (past and current).
It has taken me a long time to be comfortable even saying it allowed. I am terrified of being judged on this, as I am not a bad person. Nor am I a pervert, I am just… sexual.
I cannot explain the thrill that goes through my when my lover commands that I pleasure him. The order, the tone of voice, the knowledge that if I disobey I will be punished severely… it all adds up and takes control of me, but more than that, it excites me. Oh god does it excite my.
"Get on your knees and suck me."
"Bend over."
“I am going to make you cum, and you are not going to stop me.”
So demanding and angry and powerful. And when he orders, I cannot help but to obey, whatever the task may be.
In the past, though, I was unable to be comfortable with my masochistic tendencies. I tried and failed to allow the men in my life the kind of trust it takes to willingly accept pain from your lover. They were bitter and cruel, and had I allowed them the trust, I believed they would have abused it and made it dirty. Now… I have met someone that I can bestow this trust upon. I wish to get down on my knees and thank him for all of the sexual possibilities he has opened to me. He tests my boundaries, and I have found that they are far more extensive than I had originally known. It's exciting, discovering these things about myself. Pushing myself further and further into this world of promiscuity until I can no longer question what it pleasure and what is pain. And it owns me, I have fallen into this world and I do not wish to get out.
When he ties my wrists behind my back and smacks me until it stings… tells me how naughty I am. I am such a dirty girl. My punishment is my own fault. The thoughts devour me, I find myself wrapped in the fantasy far more often than one ought to be. I cannot help it. He has taken me to a whole new level of experience, owning me and treating me to the greatest kind of surrender I have ever known.
When his finger wrap ‘round my throat, I can feel his power, but more, I can feel his love. It burns through his eyes as he stares down at me, he knows in that moment I an entirely his, and could never give this kind of faith to another. I am his. He is mine.
Perhaps I am a pervert for it… I suppose I own that title proudly. Nothing this freeing could be awful.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The Feud
How it started.
This feud that has been going on for… well months now, started when a certain someone messaged me in the chat room, and asked me if I had ever had cyber sex with Dono. It was uncomfortable to say the least, and I responded with some very noncommittal but clearly offended answers. She soon left, a few days later I received this message from her.
Tiffany,
I feel like I have to write to you again. I want to make sure you know I don't think anything bad about you. From my few interactions with you, you're very kind, and a wonderful person I would like to be friends with someday. I'm just terrified I'll lose him. I've known him for three years, been in love with him all that time. Helped him through the darkest times of his life, talked to him daily. You talked in your blog about giving your all to someone... I gave my all to him. Decided that what I wanted most in life was to make him happy. Our relationship was a rocky one. Came out of an affair, not sure how much you know. We were good for a while, but something held him back -- he was still in love with his ex. We ended the relationship, though we flirted for quite a while after that. I never got the break I guess we both needed. We agreed, the night we broke up, that we wanted to try again when he was over Kat. And when he came home from the hospital one day, and I rushed to see him, he said we were good together, and that he wasn't there yet, but he was close. I held onto that hope, because I had been there when the other girls had deserted him. I had been the one to make him smile. And I thought we'd work well together. But we started to fight more. I was going through a lot of stress at school, and that affected my interactions with him. He started getting depressed again, and wouldn't talk to me, which I wasn't used to. So I panicked, and bugged him more than I should have... I've just always been so protective, you know? I was so afraid he'd actually commit suicide this time, and would know better than to tell me. Finally, he said we needed to be strictly friends, and that he didn't like it, but that was how it had to be. It came out of a misunderstanding, so I didn't really take it to heart. So when I asked him what he thought of you, and he admitted you were the reason he was going to Washington for a week... It was so unexpected, you know? A total slap in the face. He had moved on from Kat, and from me. And I had no idea. What's more, he didn't seem terribly concerned about it, and he had grown more distant -- probably talking to you more, which is understandable. He's been my best friend for years. He became my life. And to now have him suddenly pulling away, suddenly choosing someone else when I was sure we'd get back together... I mean, a relationship isn't the ultimate thing, but when you get your hopes up... Anyway. I'm sorry I've taken it out on you... It was easier to be angry and to not think of you as a person, really. But both Dono and PenguinAttack have defended you, and made me admit that it's not you I'm mad at. You're a really cool girl. You've gone through a lot in your life, but you're still going strong, and I admire that. I'm trying to take a break from Dono so I can get over him, so I can learn to back off and be content with friendship. I was just always "the friend" for years, though, so I hate having to go back to that... but the alternative is having him out of my life, and I can't do that. I know I'm also making this a far bigger deal than it really is. As PenguinAttack put it, you're both talking and getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company. Here I'm acting like you're getting married... But, from what I've heard about you, I know that if you two do end up having a relationship, I think you will be good for him. And if he's happy with it, I can be happy, too. So, forgive me. Please. I really would like to be friends. Not necessarily at the moment -- I'm still dealing with the heartbreak, which is not your fault, and can only take so many reminders in a day -- but in time. I don't like playing the part of the jealous ex, you know? I'm just very insecure, and I don't want to lose the friendship of the closest person in my life. If I'm ever a bitch to you again (unless you hurt him, lol), you have full permission to slap me. Hard. I hope things can be okay between us. Still taking a bit of a break from YWS, but I don't want this tension between us -- caused by me, Ms. Drama Queen. Hope that cleared a few things up, and I hope we can get to know each other, so I won't be so quick to judge next time. ~Sam
I responded to the message, in honest hopes that we could put the issue behind us and move on, possibly even becoming friends. (she was his best friend, after all) I no longer have that message, as it deleted itself from my box lol, but it was an acceptance of the apology and a best wishes sort of thing.
Sometime later, I sent her this, which I am not so proud of, however I honestly felt the words needed to be said. (this was after a blog she had posted, telling all of the people she cared about to shut the fuck up, it offended me)
I am really sorry but I have got to say something. You beg people to care for you, to show you one once of love, and then they do and you tell the to shut the fuck up? Do you have any idea how wrong and selfish that is? Do you have any idea how selfish you are being? How much you are hurting people? Maybe you don't give a damn who you hurt but I do. Some of these people I care about too (and I am not just talking about him and you know it so don't). You whine about how no one cares about you, and then when they try to you attack them and then post some half assed apology as if that makes up for it. I have held my tongue while you sent little barbs towards people I cared about, some of them even slightly towards me. But I really had to call you out here. I don't even know you, but I can see how selfish you are being, can you? -Tiffany PS. Don't reply, I won’t answer. I have lost any respect for you I had and really don't want you to be a part of my life at all. He has nothing to do with this and doesn't share my opinion at all, so please keep anything I say out of conversation with him, if you do tell him that's fine. But don't expect me to apologize for any of the above. I won’t.
Tiffany - I understand your words, I do. I was unnecessarily rude, still raw from the harrassment of the night before. I recognize the words of concern were given out of love. And I do appreciate them, I do. However, I didn't need people suddenly angry with me for a choice I made. You want people to love you despite the mistakes you made, you want them to accept you fully. Well, I want the same. It's a shame it seems we will never be friends. I have finally grown to accept you as my best friend's girlfriend, and since we may be living close by in a year or so, I had hoped we might at least be on friendly terms. Make no mistake -- if he is part of your life, I will be, too, indirectly at the very least. That bond will not be broken. Instead of accusing me of unfairly being selfish, ask Donovan what it is to need to be selfish. He knows it all too well, and now so do I. Do not judge me if you do not know me. I will return the favor. ~Sam
Sam-
I am not trying to judge you; I had hoped you would not take it that way. I was simply quite offended and somewhat appalled that you would say something so horrible to people that were simply trying to care for you. They weren’t angry, they were possibly shocked and scared for you, however even if they were angry, it was simply because they cared. I don’t hate you Sam, I was very angry (somewhat beyond angry) after I read that blog and I did say some things that were out of line. I have some issues with saying things before I think about them, although I will admit that I feel very strongly about some of the things I have said. I know you will be a part of his life, and so will I. I don’t know how I feel about you, because in so many ways I don’t know you. All I know is things that you have said in your blog and to me. However I have also heard the whispers of the things you have said about me, and I have little respect for that. Possibly I was more offended that you had been talking about me to people that I had considered my friends, and that the things you were saying were not so very nice. I read that blog where I felt you attacked the people that were simply trying to care about you, and I somewhat lost my head as I do on some occasions, being only human. I retract my comments about selfishness, however I don’t know how I feel about a friendship with someone when I am seeing one attitude about me to my face and hearing from other sources about another attitude about me behind my back.
-Tiffany
Tiffany-
I admit I said some not-so-nice things about you behind your back, and I apologize. I was trying to create a defense against the pain, and unfortunately I've found that anger fights depression quite well. I wasn't trying to spread rumors about you or anything, just talking to people in my depression, spewing out my thoughts. I'm sorry that ever got back to you. I don't think I ever truly believed what I said, because I know you're a good person -- Dono wouldn't care so much about you if you weren't. At the time, I was feeling that you had taken him away from me, not just as a lover, but as my best friend. I was afraid I had lost him forever, and the easiest way to deal with that was to blame you. Again, I apologize, and I know that I have not lost him, nor did you steal him from me. I was very messed up. I'm still recovering from that. All I can do is apologize and say I'm working on it.
-Sam
Sam,
Just always remember, people talk, and the majority of things that you said did come back to me. I never told Dono about any of it because to be quite honest, it was none of his buisness. I tend to keep my issues to myself, so anything you said about me that came back to me I have not repeated, and I will not repeat. However, I do know a lot of what you said, and I am offended, and I don't know how I feel. I admit that I got angry with you for reasons that had nothing to do with me, however I believe I was really angry about something else entirely. I would in a lot of ways like to get to know you, but at the same time, I really don't.
-Tiffany
Well, the feeling is mutual
I know that you're not a bad person. if you were Dono wouldn't care so much about you. I have been down a path where my boyfriends friends hated me, and it's not fun for anyone involved. I think we should at least be civil, if only because we have one thing in common and that is his happiness. I know it would make him really happy if you and I could get along, so I really think we should try. I mean honestly we don't know a whole lot about each other, and it could end up that we get along just fine. So maybe we should take some time to try to get to know each other? We have both said some things to each other that aren't very friendly, and I understand that but you are Dono's best friend and that means something to me. I know how much it sucks when your best friend doesn't approve of the person you are dating. I am not saying we have to be besties and braid each others hair etc. but I know that we can both find it in ourselves to be civil, if not somewhat ok friends. To start off, why don't you tell me a little about yourself? I mean all I know is what people have told me and what you have posted in your blog. (numero uno thing to know about me; I am a terrible snoop, I confess it and I am ashamed. However it is the truth, I snoop and I constantly want to know everything about anything that might possibly have something to do with me. (also sometimes I tangent.))
I have to say I'm really hesitant to try this, after our last words. I'm not a fan of unpredictable emotions, and I don't know how to take you. You're asking me to open up to someone who has hurt me -- not something that comes easily to me. However, for his sake, and because I hate disliking people, I'll give it a try. Not sure where to start... I'm 19, an only child, and my parents have been divorced since I was six. They lived together up until about six months ago, because they thought it would make it easier on me -- it didn't. I'm going to a local community college, hoping to transfer to UC Davis next year. I'm a psych major, looking to become a clinical psychologist. I love helping people, call it my weakness. I'm fiercely loyal to a fault, not leaving my friends even when everyone else is against us, even when they themselves mistreat me. My phone is on 24/7 in case someone needs me, or just wants to talk. I'm Christian, but for a long time I rejected that title because I dislike how true the stereotype of Christianity has become. Even on my facebook page, I changed my religion to "Love," because that's what I believe in -- love is the most important thing. I love completely until it hurts me. Another fault, perhaps, but it's what I live for. What else? I love hanging out with people, I'm addicted to WoW, and very protective of my loved ones. I can be very stubborn and strong-willed, but that comes in handy when I need to up my ambition and motivation. And I'm fairly open-minded. Even if I don't agree with something, I won't condemn a person for it. I rarely judge others. I don't know really what you're looking for... history? Personality? Interests? What about you?
I am somewhat the same with being hesitant around you, since your words too have hurt me. I confess that I am really only trying this because I believe it would make him happy. Let’s see here... where to start. I am Wiccan, certainly not an only child as I have 5 siblings ranging in age from 15 (almost 16) to 28. I have three nephews and three nieces, and too many cousins to count. I come from a large family, however sadly I don't associate with most of them for personal reasons. I tend to put everyone above my own personal happiness, and indeed it is a fault. I have discovered that I had never loved before, because I do not trust anyone. Even people I have know my whole life; I have trouble trusting at times. My father is my best friend, and we share a bond that no one could ever break or tarnish, though a few have tried. My parents have been divorced since I was two, and my mother tends to treat my father… well like her father. My mom is also a raging alcoholic with the mentality of a 15 year old, she sees my dad as somewhat of a parental figure and it’s a very odd situation to be in. I live with my sister, her partner, their two adopted children, and a roommate named Stacy. I work in a nursing home, but I really hate it here. Too many memories I suppose. I know I have said some things to you that are in all actuality quite terrible, however I admit that I said them because I was hurt. You had been so kind to me to my face, to hear that you had said things behind my back stung, because I couldn’t figure out what I had ever done to you. I also confess that I am terrible at confronting people for the real reason I am angry. I am hard to figure out, but I do promise that my feelings are not always so unstable. I was hurt by the things that you had said about me, and I decided it was time to say something, but because I am bad at confronting people for the real reason I am angry, I came up with a totally bogus reason. However it was when I realized how much our feud was hurting someone that I truly care about that I decided to send that message, I cannot stand to see the people I care about suffering. Especially when I am playing a part in their pain. It makes me ill. I am not a bad person by any means, I do have my issues and I am hard to figure out, but there is one thing you cannot doubt and that is my feelings for Dono. They are more real and true than any feelings I have ever felt before, so please trust that. Tell me anything about yourself that you feel I need to know, I confess I am very bad at getting to know people. I don't know what questions to ask.
Here is the first thing you need to know: No act of yours, as good as the intentions may be, will make Dono a happy person. No doubt you've seen the depression by now. I don't even know if he knew we were arguing -- I didn't tell him, because it would only upset him and it wasn't his situation to deal with. He is who he is, and while it hurts like hell to watch him go through it day in and day out, someday you'll come to realize that he is the only person who can make him happier. No woman, no friend, can do that for him. I don't doubt that you'll try, as I did. You'll put your whole heart into it, because you hate seeing him so down all the time. And you'll learn that certain things distract him, and you'll put those to use. You'll find small ways to bring out his ego and get him to smile, and you'll pull out all the tricks you have. It will help for a moment, and of course every moment counts, but... in the long run, he has to choose to be better. And no one can make that choice for him. I don't really know why I'm spewing all this at you. I mean it in love, not in anger. It's probably too late for me to talk safely without digging myself into a deeper hole, hah. I just... I see so much of myself in you, in the way you interact with others. And I gave my entire life to helping him, to loving him, only to just now find it's a dead end. I don't mean to say you should stop caring for him. Obviously not, because I'm still here caring for him as well. I just mean... don't think you can save him. Even he will admit he's the only one who can help himself. All that brought on by a single comment you made, hah. Yes, I really must be tired... You are a lovely girl, you know that? Even when I first met you, before all of this, I thought you were a great person, thought we'd be friends. And when I learned of your past, I just thought that much more of you, because you're obviously a strong woman and it seems you've tried to keep your enthusiasm up, though it may not extend very deeply. I wanted to share my love with you, wanted to wrap you up in my arms and earn your trust and make you believe it was all okay. Hah, I even toyed with the idea of developing a slight crush on you, right before I learned of you and Dono. Odd, isn't it? (Notice all my confessions come out when I'm exhausted. Take advantage of this, lol.) I'm very... very protective of him, you know. I nursed him away from suicide so many times, gave my all to him -- my time, my heart, my life. Even my virginity, lol. He was the love of my life, in so many ways. I had fallen in love with him almost from the start, and when he developed an interest in me three years later... well, it was a dream come true. The relationship itself was not the best... He wasn't over Kat. I'm sure you've heard all this. So when I suddenly found out about you, and he hadn't said a word about you until I asked... It was a total shock. I had thought we were going to try again, you know? Lack of communication and all that. I mean, it wasn't really important. I had my run with him, and I treasure that. But then I felt like... I don't know, like you were replacing me as his best friend, replacing that closeness that I shared with him. I was just... broken. My life no longer had meaning if he wasn't in it, emo as it sounds. My life goal had been to help him, and if he wasn't there to help... I felt like I had to start all over, which was awful. Meh. I'm just blabbering now, and I apologize. The point is, it's nothing against you, Tiffany. You just sort of represent a sore spot in my life, even if it was all due to a misunderstanding and nothing you did at all. That's the only reason I avoid you, the only reason I talk to you coldly. I love him with my soul, and I trust you'll take care of him. I just... worry. For the both of you. And I'm still hurting, yes, but I'm doing my best to be there for him and to just get back to normal life. As for you... I don't know. I think it's still a little too raw, though I do appreciate the attempt. I do understand that my words hurt you, and I sincerely apologize for that. It was unnecessary, and I appreciate you being more honest with me in that last message. I don't think I'd mind continuing to get to know you, but can we take it slow? And I need to ask that you not talk about your relationship with him just yet. I do my best to not get jealous, of course, as it's not my place, nor my time anymore. And it's not that. It just... still hurts a little, I guess. And I have an awful imagination. >.<>
This last one offended me greatly, for obvious reasons, and I denied that I was acting, which truth be told I was not ever acting. To this day, she still claims I am trying to “save” him with my kisses. If she knew anything about our relationship at all, she would know that I have never tried to save him from his depression. In fact, I try to get him to meet with it head on, hiding from the problem will not solve it…
Anyways…
The messages were traded back and forth like this for a while, until they ended very abruptly with her telling me that she simply couldn’t. She wasn’t ready to like me.
I thought we were on friendly terms, but apparently I was wrong.
I had several people come to me, and tell me about her ugly words and lies about me. I didn’t know what to do… I had honestly been under the impression that we had ended on a friendly note.
I realized later, that she was creating a personality for me. She realized she couldn’t hate who I really was, so in her mind she created a personality for me, and it was one that she didn’t like. She lied about me, ruined my reputation with countless people that I actually liked at one point… and all for what? Because she realized that the man she loved could never love her, because he had me.
I guess I just… need clarification? Someone to tell me that I really did try and did my best. I didn’t even know we weren’t on good terms until her words spread and came back to me.
And it hurt.
It never feels good to be lied about, and I have never and will never lie about her. These are all the actual messages, copied and pasted straight from one place to another, no words were changed… nothing. It’s all exactly as it was.
This feud that has been going on for… well months now, started when a certain someone messaged me in the chat room, and asked me if I had ever had cyber sex with Dono. It was uncomfortable to say the least, and I responded with some very noncommittal but clearly offended answers. She soon left, a few days later I received this message from her.
Tiffany,
I feel like I have to write to you again. I want to make sure you know I don't think anything bad about you. From my few interactions with you, you're very kind, and a wonderful person I would like to be friends with someday. I'm just terrified I'll lose him. I've known him for three years, been in love with him all that time. Helped him through the darkest times of his life, talked to him daily. You talked in your blog about giving your all to someone... I gave my all to him. Decided that what I wanted most in life was to make him happy. Our relationship was a rocky one. Came out of an affair, not sure how much you know. We were good for a while, but something held him back -- he was still in love with his ex. We ended the relationship, though we flirted for quite a while after that. I never got the break I guess we both needed. We agreed, the night we broke up, that we wanted to try again when he was over Kat. And when he came home from the hospital one day, and I rushed to see him, he said we were good together, and that he wasn't there yet, but he was close. I held onto that hope, because I had been there when the other girls had deserted him. I had been the one to make him smile. And I thought we'd work well together. But we started to fight more. I was going through a lot of stress at school, and that affected my interactions with him. He started getting depressed again, and wouldn't talk to me, which I wasn't used to. So I panicked, and bugged him more than I should have... I've just always been so protective, you know? I was so afraid he'd actually commit suicide this time, and would know better than to tell me. Finally, he said we needed to be strictly friends, and that he didn't like it, but that was how it had to be. It came out of a misunderstanding, so I didn't really take it to heart. So when I asked him what he thought of you, and he admitted you were the reason he was going to Washington for a week... It was so unexpected, you know? A total slap in the face. He had moved on from Kat, and from me. And I had no idea. What's more, he didn't seem terribly concerned about it, and he had grown more distant -- probably talking to you more, which is understandable. He's been my best friend for years. He became my life. And to now have him suddenly pulling away, suddenly choosing someone else when I was sure we'd get back together... I mean, a relationship isn't the ultimate thing, but when you get your hopes up... Anyway. I'm sorry I've taken it out on you... It was easier to be angry and to not think of you as a person, really. But both Dono and PenguinAttack have defended you, and made me admit that it's not you I'm mad at. You're a really cool girl. You've gone through a lot in your life, but you're still going strong, and I admire that. I'm trying to take a break from Dono so I can get over him, so I can learn to back off and be content with friendship. I was just always "the friend" for years, though, so I hate having to go back to that... but the alternative is having him out of my life, and I can't do that. I know I'm also making this a far bigger deal than it really is. As PenguinAttack put it, you're both talking and getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company. Here I'm acting like you're getting married... But, from what I've heard about you, I know that if you two do end up having a relationship, I think you will be good for him. And if he's happy with it, I can be happy, too. So, forgive me. Please. I really would like to be friends. Not necessarily at the moment -- I'm still dealing with the heartbreak, which is not your fault, and can only take so many reminders in a day -- but in time. I don't like playing the part of the jealous ex, you know? I'm just very insecure, and I don't want to lose the friendship of the closest person in my life. If I'm ever a bitch to you again (unless you hurt him, lol), you have full permission to slap me. Hard. I hope things can be okay between us. Still taking a bit of a break from YWS, but I don't want this tension between us -- caused by me, Ms. Drama Queen. Hope that cleared a few things up, and I hope we can get to know each other, so I won't be so quick to judge next time. ~Sam
I responded to the message, in honest hopes that we could put the issue behind us and move on, possibly even becoming friends. (she was his best friend, after all) I no longer have that message, as it deleted itself from my box lol, but it was an acceptance of the apology and a best wishes sort of thing.
Sometime later, I sent her this, which I am not so proud of, however I honestly felt the words needed to be said. (this was after a blog she had posted, telling all of the people she cared about to shut the fuck up, it offended me)
I am really sorry but I have got to say something. You beg people to care for you, to show you one once of love, and then they do and you tell the to shut the fuck up? Do you have any idea how wrong and selfish that is? Do you have any idea how selfish you are being? How much you are hurting people? Maybe you don't give a damn who you hurt but I do. Some of these people I care about too (and I am not just talking about him and you know it so don't). You whine about how no one cares about you, and then when they try to you attack them and then post some half assed apology as if that makes up for it. I have held my tongue while you sent little barbs towards people I cared about, some of them even slightly towards me. But I really had to call you out here. I don't even know you, but I can see how selfish you are being, can you? -Tiffany PS. Don't reply, I won’t answer. I have lost any respect for you I had and really don't want you to be a part of my life at all. He has nothing to do with this and doesn't share my opinion at all, so please keep anything I say out of conversation with him, if you do tell him that's fine. But don't expect me to apologize for any of the above. I won’t.
Tiffany - I understand your words, I do. I was unnecessarily rude, still raw from the harrassment of the night before. I recognize the words of concern were given out of love. And I do appreciate them, I do. However, I didn't need people suddenly angry with me for a choice I made. You want people to love you despite the mistakes you made, you want them to accept you fully. Well, I want the same. It's a shame it seems we will never be friends. I have finally grown to accept you as my best friend's girlfriend, and since we may be living close by in a year or so, I had hoped we might at least be on friendly terms. Make no mistake -- if he is part of your life, I will be, too, indirectly at the very least. That bond will not be broken. Instead of accusing me of unfairly being selfish, ask Donovan what it is to need to be selfish. He knows it all too well, and now so do I. Do not judge me if you do not know me. I will return the favor. ~Sam
Sam-
I am not trying to judge you; I had hoped you would not take it that way. I was simply quite offended and somewhat appalled that you would say something so horrible to people that were simply trying to care for you. They weren’t angry, they were possibly shocked and scared for you, however even if they were angry, it was simply because they cared. I don’t hate you Sam, I was very angry (somewhat beyond angry) after I read that blog and I did say some things that were out of line. I have some issues with saying things before I think about them, although I will admit that I feel very strongly about some of the things I have said. I know you will be a part of his life, and so will I. I don’t know how I feel about you, because in so many ways I don’t know you. All I know is things that you have said in your blog and to me. However I have also heard the whispers of the things you have said about me, and I have little respect for that. Possibly I was more offended that you had been talking about me to people that I had considered my friends, and that the things you were saying were not so very nice. I read that blog where I felt you attacked the people that were simply trying to care about you, and I somewhat lost my head as I do on some occasions, being only human. I retract my comments about selfishness, however I don’t know how I feel about a friendship with someone when I am seeing one attitude about me to my face and hearing from other sources about another attitude about me behind my back.
-Tiffany
Tiffany-
I admit I said some not-so-nice things about you behind your back, and I apologize. I was trying to create a defense against the pain, and unfortunately I've found that anger fights depression quite well. I wasn't trying to spread rumors about you or anything, just talking to people in my depression, spewing out my thoughts. I'm sorry that ever got back to you. I don't think I ever truly believed what I said, because I know you're a good person -- Dono wouldn't care so much about you if you weren't. At the time, I was feeling that you had taken him away from me, not just as a lover, but as my best friend. I was afraid I had lost him forever, and the easiest way to deal with that was to blame you. Again, I apologize, and I know that I have not lost him, nor did you steal him from me. I was very messed up. I'm still recovering from that. All I can do is apologize and say I'm working on it.
-Sam
Sam,
Just always remember, people talk, and the majority of things that you said did come back to me. I never told Dono about any of it because to be quite honest, it was none of his buisness. I tend to keep my issues to myself, so anything you said about me that came back to me I have not repeated, and I will not repeat. However, I do know a lot of what you said, and I am offended, and I don't know how I feel. I admit that I got angry with you for reasons that had nothing to do with me, however I believe I was really angry about something else entirely. I would in a lot of ways like to get to know you, but at the same time, I really don't.
-Tiffany
Well, the feeling is mutual
I know that you're not a bad person. if you were Dono wouldn't care so much about you. I have been down a path where my boyfriends friends hated me, and it's not fun for anyone involved. I think we should at least be civil, if only because we have one thing in common and that is his happiness. I know it would make him really happy if you and I could get along, so I really think we should try. I mean honestly we don't know a whole lot about each other, and it could end up that we get along just fine. So maybe we should take some time to try to get to know each other? We have both said some things to each other that aren't very friendly, and I understand that but you are Dono's best friend and that means something to me. I know how much it sucks when your best friend doesn't approve of the person you are dating. I am not saying we have to be besties and braid each others hair etc. but I know that we can both find it in ourselves to be civil, if not somewhat ok friends. To start off, why don't you tell me a little about yourself? I mean all I know is what people have told me and what you have posted in your blog. (numero uno thing to know about me; I am a terrible snoop, I confess it and I am ashamed. However it is the truth, I snoop and I constantly want to know everything about anything that might possibly have something to do with me. (also sometimes I tangent.))
I have to say I'm really hesitant to try this, after our last words. I'm not a fan of unpredictable emotions, and I don't know how to take you. You're asking me to open up to someone who has hurt me -- not something that comes easily to me. However, for his sake, and because I hate disliking people, I'll give it a try. Not sure where to start... I'm 19, an only child, and my parents have been divorced since I was six. They lived together up until about six months ago, because they thought it would make it easier on me -- it didn't. I'm going to a local community college, hoping to transfer to UC Davis next year. I'm a psych major, looking to become a clinical psychologist. I love helping people, call it my weakness. I'm fiercely loyal to a fault, not leaving my friends even when everyone else is against us, even when they themselves mistreat me. My phone is on 24/7 in case someone needs me, or just wants to talk. I'm Christian, but for a long time I rejected that title because I dislike how true the stereotype of Christianity has become. Even on my facebook page, I changed my religion to "Love," because that's what I believe in -- love is the most important thing. I love completely until it hurts me. Another fault, perhaps, but it's what I live for. What else? I love hanging out with people, I'm addicted to WoW, and very protective of my loved ones. I can be very stubborn and strong-willed, but that comes in handy when I need to up my ambition and motivation. And I'm fairly open-minded. Even if I don't agree with something, I won't condemn a person for it. I rarely judge others. I don't know really what you're looking for... history? Personality? Interests? What about you?
I am somewhat the same with being hesitant around you, since your words too have hurt me. I confess that I am really only trying this because I believe it would make him happy. Let’s see here... where to start. I am Wiccan, certainly not an only child as I have 5 siblings ranging in age from 15 (almost 16) to 28. I have three nephews and three nieces, and too many cousins to count. I come from a large family, however sadly I don't associate with most of them for personal reasons. I tend to put everyone above my own personal happiness, and indeed it is a fault. I have discovered that I had never loved before, because I do not trust anyone. Even people I have know my whole life; I have trouble trusting at times. My father is my best friend, and we share a bond that no one could ever break or tarnish, though a few have tried. My parents have been divorced since I was two, and my mother tends to treat my father… well like her father. My mom is also a raging alcoholic with the mentality of a 15 year old, she sees my dad as somewhat of a parental figure and it’s a very odd situation to be in. I live with my sister, her partner, their two adopted children, and a roommate named Stacy. I work in a nursing home, but I really hate it here. Too many memories I suppose. I know I have said some things to you that are in all actuality quite terrible, however I admit that I said them because I was hurt. You had been so kind to me to my face, to hear that you had said things behind my back stung, because I couldn’t figure out what I had ever done to you. I also confess that I am terrible at confronting people for the real reason I am angry. I am hard to figure out, but I do promise that my feelings are not always so unstable. I was hurt by the things that you had said about me, and I decided it was time to say something, but because I am bad at confronting people for the real reason I am angry, I came up with a totally bogus reason. However it was when I realized how much our feud was hurting someone that I truly care about that I decided to send that message, I cannot stand to see the people I care about suffering. Especially when I am playing a part in their pain. It makes me ill. I am not a bad person by any means, I do have my issues and I am hard to figure out, but there is one thing you cannot doubt and that is my feelings for Dono. They are more real and true than any feelings I have ever felt before, so please trust that. Tell me anything about yourself that you feel I need to know, I confess I am very bad at getting to know people. I don't know what questions to ask.
Here is the first thing you need to know: No act of yours, as good as the intentions may be, will make Dono a happy person. No doubt you've seen the depression by now. I don't even know if he knew we were arguing -- I didn't tell him, because it would only upset him and it wasn't his situation to deal with. He is who he is, and while it hurts like hell to watch him go through it day in and day out, someday you'll come to realize that he is the only person who can make him happier. No woman, no friend, can do that for him. I don't doubt that you'll try, as I did. You'll put your whole heart into it, because you hate seeing him so down all the time. And you'll learn that certain things distract him, and you'll put those to use. You'll find small ways to bring out his ego and get him to smile, and you'll pull out all the tricks you have. It will help for a moment, and of course every moment counts, but... in the long run, he has to choose to be better. And no one can make that choice for him. I don't really know why I'm spewing all this at you. I mean it in love, not in anger. It's probably too late for me to talk safely without digging myself into a deeper hole, hah. I just... I see so much of myself in you, in the way you interact with others. And I gave my entire life to helping him, to loving him, only to just now find it's a dead end. I don't mean to say you should stop caring for him. Obviously not, because I'm still here caring for him as well. I just mean... don't think you can save him. Even he will admit he's the only one who can help himself. All that brought on by a single comment you made, hah. Yes, I really must be tired... You are a lovely girl, you know that? Even when I first met you, before all of this, I thought you were a great person, thought we'd be friends. And when I learned of your past, I just thought that much more of you, because you're obviously a strong woman and it seems you've tried to keep your enthusiasm up, though it may not extend very deeply. I wanted to share my love with you, wanted to wrap you up in my arms and earn your trust and make you believe it was all okay. Hah, I even toyed with the idea of developing a slight crush on you, right before I learned of you and Dono. Odd, isn't it? (Notice all my confessions come out when I'm exhausted. Take advantage of this, lol.) I'm very... very protective of him, you know. I nursed him away from suicide so many times, gave my all to him -- my time, my heart, my life. Even my virginity, lol. He was the love of my life, in so many ways. I had fallen in love with him almost from the start, and when he developed an interest in me three years later... well, it was a dream come true. The relationship itself was not the best... He wasn't over Kat. I'm sure you've heard all this. So when I suddenly found out about you, and he hadn't said a word about you until I asked... It was a total shock. I had thought we were going to try again, you know? Lack of communication and all that. I mean, it wasn't really important. I had my run with him, and I treasure that. But then I felt like... I don't know, like you were replacing me as his best friend, replacing that closeness that I shared with him. I was just... broken. My life no longer had meaning if he wasn't in it, emo as it sounds. My life goal had been to help him, and if he wasn't there to help... I felt like I had to start all over, which was awful. Meh. I'm just blabbering now, and I apologize. The point is, it's nothing against you, Tiffany. You just sort of represent a sore spot in my life, even if it was all due to a misunderstanding and nothing you did at all. That's the only reason I avoid you, the only reason I talk to you coldly. I love him with my soul, and I trust you'll take care of him. I just... worry. For the both of you. And I'm still hurting, yes, but I'm doing my best to be there for him and to just get back to normal life. As for you... I don't know. I think it's still a little too raw, though I do appreciate the attempt. I do understand that my words hurt you, and I sincerely apologize for that. It was unnecessary, and I appreciate you being more honest with me in that last message. I don't think I'd mind continuing to get to know you, but can we take it slow? And I need to ask that you not talk about your relationship with him just yet. I do my best to not get jealous, of course, as it's not my place, nor my time anymore. And it's not that. It just... still hurts a little, I guess. And I have an awful imagination. >.<>
This last one offended me greatly, for obvious reasons, and I denied that I was acting, which truth be told I was not ever acting. To this day, she still claims I am trying to “save” him with my kisses. If she knew anything about our relationship at all, she would know that I have never tried to save him from his depression. In fact, I try to get him to meet with it head on, hiding from the problem will not solve it…
Anyways…
The messages were traded back and forth like this for a while, until they ended very abruptly with her telling me that she simply couldn’t. She wasn’t ready to like me.
I thought we were on friendly terms, but apparently I was wrong.
I had several people come to me, and tell me about her ugly words and lies about me. I didn’t know what to do… I had honestly been under the impression that we had ended on a friendly note.
I realized later, that she was creating a personality for me. She realized she couldn’t hate who I really was, so in her mind she created a personality for me, and it was one that she didn’t like. She lied about me, ruined my reputation with countless people that I actually liked at one point… and all for what? Because she realized that the man she loved could never love her, because he had me.
I guess I just… need clarification? Someone to tell me that I really did try and did my best. I didn’t even know we weren’t on good terms until her words spread and came back to me.
And it hurt.
It never feels good to be lied about, and I have never and will never lie about her. These are all the actual messages, copied and pasted straight from one place to another, no words were changed… nothing. It’s all exactly as it was.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
My Family Through Photo
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/l_7b9cbfcfad757eb1da687129c71ae54e.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/051.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/387969991_l.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/l_af5b76e07b5c0322e166c48d32e93e66.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/dadanderin.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/dadandjosh.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/adorablelittlegirls.jpg[/IMG]
The little girls are my twin cousins Brooke and Erin, and the little boy is their older brother Shawn.
<333 I love my family.
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/051.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/387969991_l.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/l_af5b76e07b5c0322e166c48d32e93e66.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/dadanderin.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/dadandjosh.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d2/tiffrosef/adorablelittlegirls.jpg[/IMG]
The little girls are my twin cousins Brooke and Erin, and the little boy is their older brother Shawn.
<333 I love my family.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Venting
You can convince yourself that you love him more than me, or better than me. And you can tell lies about me, and hate me. You can tell yourself that I am the one that is full of cruelty, but it was you. Your words that drove him away into *my* arms. It was your obsession that made him realize you couldn't be in his life. You can think a million horrible nasty things about me, but they'll never be true. I am what he wants, and I am the one he loves. I'm not sorry, I didn't do anything wrong. Your words were obnoxious, and mostly lies or insane accusations or assumptions based off of no fact whatsoever. You're a horrible nasty shrew, and it's *not* my fault. You blame me, but even you know that I am telling the truth. Do you know why I didn't have to lie to him about you to get him to stop talking about you? Because you actually do suck as a person. You claim all these false things, spread lies and convince people I am little more than devils spawn. But I see through you, I see through your act to the kind of hideous person you are beneath. The more you continue this, the more of an ass you make out of yourself. So, please, be my guest and keep talking. Karma is a far bigger bitch than I will ever be.
Friday, March 27, 2009
What happens when naughty thoughts turn to naughty stories...
snippit...
His fingers played with my side as I closed my eyes and arched my back ever so slightly. He touch was gentle, so unlike my previous lovers. The way he gave himself to me completely as his face contorted and his flesh turned flush. In those moments when we came together, we belonged to each other.
My body lay open and waiting as his fingers toyed and teased me, controlling but ever so tender. He owned my nerve endings, every surface crying out for his touch, igniting me and calming me in the same instance.
His moved himself over me, pressing his body against mine and covering my lips with his own. His fingers slid up my sides, one hand finding my breast and teasing my nipple, while the other found its way to my chin. He traced his fingertips down the soft flesh from the base of my jaw down to my collar bone, before wrapping his fingers gently around my throat. He pressed, softly at first, his thumb hovering just above the pulse point. If he could not see the excitement in my eyes, he could surely feel it in the thundering of my heartbeat.
He stared down at me, the shy bite of my lip his cue to continue. He pressed his fingers further into my flesh, enjoying the tiny whimper that escaped from my lips just before he closed my air way. Trust… my life in his hands as his body rocked against mine. My mind turning hazy, my thoughts beginning to fade as I closed my eyes and arched my body to meet his movements. His fingers let up as he crushed his lips to mine, catching my moans in his throat and drinking them down.
/end snippit
His fingers played with my side as I closed my eyes and arched my back ever so slightly. He touch was gentle, so unlike my previous lovers. The way he gave himself to me completely as his face contorted and his flesh turned flush. In those moments when we came together, we belonged to each other.
My body lay open and waiting as his fingers toyed and teased me, controlling but ever so tender. He owned my nerve endings, every surface crying out for his touch, igniting me and calming me in the same instance.
His moved himself over me, pressing his body against mine and covering my lips with his own. His fingers slid up my sides, one hand finding my breast and teasing my nipple, while the other found its way to my chin. He traced his fingertips down the soft flesh from the base of my jaw down to my collar bone, before wrapping his fingers gently around my throat. He pressed, softly at first, his thumb hovering just above the pulse point. If he could not see the excitement in my eyes, he could surely feel it in the thundering of my heartbeat.
He stared down at me, the shy bite of my lip his cue to continue. He pressed his fingers further into my flesh, enjoying the tiny whimper that escaped from my lips just before he closed my air way. Trust… my life in his hands as his body rocked against mine. My mind turning hazy, my thoughts beginning to fade as I closed my eyes and arched my body to meet his movements. His fingers let up as he crushed his lips to mine, catching my moans in his throat and drinking them down.
/end snippit
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A little something I have been working on
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, expelling it as slowly as possible. My heart thudded wildly in my chest, my palms were clammy, and a tiny shiver made its way up my spine. I stared at the back of his head, the blond hair that shown so brightly in the morning sun that was streaming through the airport windows. The phone buzzed in my ear, letting me know he hadn’t disconnected the call, I would have known anyways, I would have watched him do it.
I took one more breath. “I’m behind you.”
I was barely aware that I had even spoken when I watched him turn, his face lit up in a brilliant smile. His steps were quick, but mine were quicker as I lost all fear and leapt into his waiting embrace. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight, taking me a few steps forward with him. He pressed his face into my hair and I buried my face into his shoulder, breathing in his scent for the first time. Slowly he lowered me back down, our eyes met for the briefest moment before his lips met mine.
The kiss was soft and patient, my heart thumped harder and my fingers started to tremble. I felt tears begin to well in my eyes, and had to force myself to blink them back so he wouldn’t see. My hands found their way to his shoulders and I held myself up, not trusting my legs to keep me stable. His fingers lightly rubbed my lower back as he kissed me again and again.
Finally he released me, a small smile playing on his lips. “Hi.” he whispered.
“Hi.” I whispered back, my voice sounded shaky and I cursed my inability to control myself.
I took one more breath. “I’m behind you.”
I was barely aware that I had even spoken when I watched him turn, his face lit up in a brilliant smile. His steps were quick, but mine were quicker as I lost all fear and leapt into his waiting embrace. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight, taking me a few steps forward with him. He pressed his face into my hair and I buried my face into his shoulder, breathing in his scent for the first time. Slowly he lowered me back down, our eyes met for the briefest moment before his lips met mine.
The kiss was soft and patient, my heart thumped harder and my fingers started to tremble. I felt tears begin to well in my eyes, and had to force myself to blink them back so he wouldn’t see. My hands found their way to his shoulders and I held myself up, not trusting my legs to keep me stable. His fingers lightly rubbed my lower back as he kissed me again and again.
Finally he released me, a small smile playing on his lips. “Hi.” he whispered.
“Hi.” I whispered back, my voice sounded shaky and I cursed my inability to control myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
