Submission (rated R)

For the past few years I have been on a slow path to discovering something’s about myself. A) I am naturally submissive sexually. And B) I am a masochist.

I have been trying to discover exactly what that means for me and for my lovers (past and current).

It has taken me a long time to be comfortable even saying it allowed. I am terrified of being judged on this, as I am not a bad person. Nor am I a pervert, I am just… sexual.

I cannot explain the thrill that goes through my when my lover commands that I pleasure him. The order, the tone of voice, the knowledge that if I disobey I will be punished severely… it all adds up and takes control of me, but more than that, it excites me. Oh god does it excite my.

"Get on your knees and suck me."

"Bend over."
“I am going to make you cum, and you are not going to stop me.”

So demanding and angry and powerful. And when he orders, I cannot help but to obey, whatever the task may be.

In the past, though, I was unable to be comfortable with my masochistic tendencies. I tried and failed to allow the men in my life the kind of trust it takes to willingly accept pain from your lover. They were bitter and cruel, and had I allowed them the trust, I believed they would have abused it and made it dirty. Now… I have met someone that I can bestow this trust upon. I wish to get down on my knees and thank him for all of the sexual possibilities he has opened to me. He tests my boundaries, and I have found that they are far more extensive than I had originally known. It's exciting, discovering these things about myself. Pushing myself further and further into this world of promiscuity until I can no longer question what it pleasure and what is pain. And it owns me, I have fallen into this world and I do not wish to get out.

When he ties my wrists behind my back and smacks me until it stings… tells me how naughty I am. I am such a dirty girl. My punishment is my own fault. The thoughts devour me, I find myself wrapped in the fantasy far more often than one ought to be. I cannot help it. He has taken me to a whole new level of experience, owning me and treating me to the greatest kind of surrender I have ever known.

When his finger wrap ‘round my throat, I can feel his power, but more, I can feel his love. It burns through his eyes as he stares down at me, he knows in that moment I an entirely his, and could never give this kind of faith to another. I am his. He is mine.

Perhaps I am a pervert for it… I suppose I own that title proudly. Nothing this freeing could be awful.